My education in journalism began with Bill Moyers. Watching his classic interview with Joseph Campbell—the transcript became Campbell’s posthumous bestseller, The Power of Myth—is as instructive as any college course. Moyers extensively studied the subject matter before chatting with the mythologist. Yet he also exhibited an essential quality of good conversation: listening. Show Moyers is an exceptional example of good journalism. He prepared with dozens of questions, yet throughout the interview, he volleys based on Campbell’s remarks. Much of what passes for journalism today—e-mail interviews; straight Q&As with no diversion from the script; unprepared interviewers and their tell-tale sign: the first question is, “So tell me about yourself…”—is nothing more than a drive to fulfill our incessant need for content. Campbell was a storyteller, as was Moyers, which made their discussion, and subsequent book, enjoyable and informative. As with journalism, much of what passes for a conversation today is nothing but monologuing. In his latest book, 12 Rules for Life, Canadian psychology professor and clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson warns against this type of dialogue. Merely waiting for someone to finish a sentence to launch your own thoughts does not make for any sort of conversation at all. Knowledge is key when you’re talking with someone else. Even banal subjects can morph into teaching moments. We organize our brains with conversation, Peterson notes, and not only by speaking. Listening is an art, which is why this particular rule is aptly titled, “Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t.” Peterson recommends approaching conversation as “a form of mutual exploration.” Such dialogue features a topic, one that is often complex and requires nuance to engage in. He continues,
Such advice likely sounds like a foreign language when contemplating social media. While technological connectivity is touted as an advancement of global culture, it also acts as a breeding ground for echo chambers. I’m uncertain how often I’ve experienced this with this column, readers commenting on the title without bothering to read the article, which often addresses their very critiques. Even online conversations can be educational, yet the ability to listen (i.e. read and contemplate before replying) seems even more foreign in this medium.
 Peterson is a rare professor that has kept a clinical practice, which forces him to listen to others in two separate worlds. Many of his patients and students are likely not accustomed to being heard. Instead of rushing to judgment by offering immediate feedback, he must listen and think on his replies. Listening, he writes, is as challenging as thinking.
Each view, he continues, is an “avatar in a simulated world.” The key is to simulate multiple worlds. A strong thinker, like a strong listener—the two are essentially the same—imagines and articulates their worlds to one another. Yet too often we cling to a particular viewpoint. We might hear opposing viewpoints, from others or within ourselves, but we’re not actually listening. This is dangerous. It creates unnecessary suffering. Whereas complex topics could be worked out with patience and an open mind, they instead remain mysterious. Each avatar refuses to listen to competing avatars. Competition is heightened; collaboration is not entertained. You never scratch the surface because no trust is built. You never have the chance to open your arms because they’re too busy shielding incoming blows. Peterson advocates for listening without premature judgment. Conversations are rarely boring with deep listening. There is every opportunity to learn something you didn’t know. Even the conflict that ensues with opposing viewpoints is teachable: you sharpen your own viewpoint while recognizing that your philosophy isn’t the only one in the world. Peterson extends this advice to venues traditionally thought of as monologues, like lecturing. A good lecturer talks “with and not at or even to his or her listeners.” There is no singular audience, but a collection of individuals that need to be engaged with. Creating a connection is the biggest hurdle in public speaking. Rarely is it made when the speaker is talking at their audience. In regards to listening, Peterson is a popular victim. (He also struggles to take his own advice.) Peterson is an important voice speaking out against radical factions on the Left and Right, both of which are confident that only their viewpoints matter. This is not true confidence, however, but rather a mask for insecurity. It’s impossible to conclude that you’re right when your ideology is the only one you’ve weighed. There’s a reason why podcasts are a such a popular medium. We love good conversations. We love great monologues that make us feel included. We love debates pushing cultures forward. In every situation, speakers aim to learn even while educating their audience. This requires listening to your inner, conflicting avatars as much as to those of others. Peterson sums this up in the chapter’s most succinct sentence:
— Derek Beres is the author of Whole Motion and creator of Clarity: Anxiety Reduction for Optimal Health. Based in Los Angeles, he is working on a new book about spiritual consumerism. Stay in touch on Facebook and Twitter.
"Why Don’t We Listen Better? is a sensible guide to transforming verbal confrontation habits into good, healthy communication. Best of all, it comes with a Talker-Listener Card that provides a handy tool for practice. I carry the TLC in my wallet to introduce others to this listening strategy or as a reminder to keep even the most difficult and challenging conversations on a positive track by listening rather than trying to win." —Ben Vose, B.Ed., M.F.A. Retired teacher Astoria, OR USA What an eye-opener! When I started the book I thought I was a good listener. Now I know better. I am a card carrying listener/talker now. Insightful, thought provoking and thoroughly enjoyable to read. —Jim Misko, author of For What He Could Become & How to Finance Any Real Estate Any Place Any Time Commercial Realtor Anchorage, AK USA This book and the Talker-Listener Cards are must buys for any therapist doing couples work. When people use these tools consistently for ninety days, it’s guaranteed success. I use the card in every couples’ session as well as to educate people about resolving workplace conflicts and to help parents in talking with their children. The TLC has made my work much more effective. I don’t know how I worked without it for twenty-five years. —Carol A. Peterson, M.S.W. Licensed Clinical Social Worker Portland, OR USA The Talker-Listener Card is a simple idea that is enormously useful! I have used it and the book to great effect in many areas of ministry. I have used the concepts in pre-marital counseling, deacon training, Stephen Ministry, and youth ministry. It has been a vitally helpful tool in communication in my marriage and with our children, too. —Laurie Vischer, B.A., M.A., M.Div. Associate Pastor for Congregational Care, Westminster Presbyterian Church, Portland, OR USA Dr. Jim Petersen presents us with an exceptional set of tools for communication improvement and relationship enhancement. His uniquely challenging style clarifies an optimal use of the best of the teaching-learning processes. I have relied on him to help train psychiatric residents and others who want to realize their therapeutic potential. I predict this book will find a wide readership by all who teach counseling and psychotherapy. Also, every church, school, medical group, and work groups in business and industry will gain much with Jim’s coaching. —John L. Butler, M.D. Clinical Professor of Psychiatry Emeritus Oregon Health & Science University, Portland, OR USA "At last! The ingenious little card gets its due. I have used them for years. I keep one by each phone to remind me to be present in conversations with friends, family and clients. They enhance relationships with children (especially teenagers), with partners, and with parents. Why Don’t We Listen Better? will open your eyes (and ears) to a new world of effective communication techniques." —Pam Gross, B.A.Ed. Co-author of Want to Find a New Better Fantastic Job? Founder of CareerMakers Inc., Portland, OR USA The Talker-Listener Card is a helpful adjunct to therapy...clients are specifically reminded of how to carry their experience from therapy into other important relationships. —Donald W. Swan, Psy.D. Psychologist Beaverton, OR USA Dr. Petersen has developed a dynamic and easy to use system for improving and managing communication. It should be required reading for every educator and anyone else interested in improving their relationships. —Patrick Stone, Ed.D. author of Blueprint for Developing Conversational Competence Clinical Assistant Professor of Education Washington State University Vancouver, WA USA This book addresses a serious problem in churches: people tend to talk at each other and rarely listen attentively. Without the skills this book teaches, congregation members tend not to know one another well enough to build true caring relationships; and congregation members are not as friendly to visitors because they do not offer real attentiveness to newcomers. —Sandra Larson, B.A., M.Div. Co-Pastor McKenzie Valley Presbyterian Church Waterville, OR USA Dr. Petersen’s practical guide to better communication not only answers the title question, but takes the reader and user of his techniques on a journey into a higher quality of life. Good relationships start with clear communication of expectations, feelings, and desires. They flourish when we help each other listen carefully to the deeper meaning of what we say by practicing basic fairness with each other and by offering equal opportunity to our partners to speak and be heard correctly. This is more than a self-help book. I’ve used it to teach communication skills and insights in my marriage and family course in college. —Gerald W. Bertsch, B.A., M.Div. Retired pastor and current author, teacher, and consultant. Fond du Lac, WI US WHY DON’T WE LISTEN BETTER? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships Jim Petersen Doctor of Ministry Licensed Professional Counselor Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships All rights reserved: No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, informational storage or retrieval systems, without written permission by the publisher or the author, except where permitted by law, for the purpose of review, or where otherwise noted. Books available at special quantity discounts for bulk purchases for gifts, educational needs, and fund-raising. A PDF of The Listening Game and Guiding Difficult Group Discussions can be ordered for group needs by contacting the author. Copyright © 2007 by James C. Petersen Talker-Listener Card Copyright © 1980, 2007 by James C. Petersen This publication is designed to describe the author’s view of the subject of communication and relationships. Examples cited are composites based on the author’s experience, not on any particular counseling situation with a person or couple. Some personal examples are real but modified for the sake of anonymity. If any seem familiar, it may be because what is most personal is also most universal. This book does not replace or substitute for professional advice or services. Any information received from this book is not intended to be used in diagnosis, treatment, or as a cure. The book is sold with the understanding that neither the author nor the publisher is engaged through this book in rendering professional advice or services. Cover design: Anita Jones & Kim McLaughlin Book layout and drawings: Anita Jones, Another Jones Graphics ISBN-13: 978-0-9791559-2-5 Portland, OR USA Email: My love to Sally,without whomthis bookwould never havebeen written.DedicationI dedicate this book: To every one of you who wants deeper connections with people, to get along better with them, and to do what you can to enrich their lives. To those of you who listened to me with a challenging acceptance. It touched me, grew me, and held me together. To all of you who let me in on your lives – your struggles, your failures, and your successes. I am privileged and grateful. And for all of you: May you not only listen to those around you, but hear them in a way that encourages creativity, collaboration, and growth. May your footprints always lead others on paths of love and justice. Jim ContentsPART ONE: Options in Communicating 1. Communication Became Important to Me I learned some of this early Listening deeper What’s ahead in the book? To get the most out of the book 2. The Flat-Brain Theory of Emotions Stomach functions Heart functions Head functions Directing our emotions Does thinking affect our feelings? Rationalizing stirs our disconnections How it’s all supposed to work Where do stomach, heart, and head talk fit? 3. Communication – Connecting & Disconnecting Two levels of communication When we don’t hear each other When you want a listener and get a pool-grabber Being heard 4. The Flat-Brain Syndrome Stomachs overload Hearts turn bricklike And brains go flat Hearing is skewed Seeing is distorted And the mouth works overtime True and not true Four goals to counter the flat-brain syndrome 1. Reduce emotional disturbance 2. Clarify thinking 3. Increase self-confidence 4. Build a supportive friendship 5. The Flat-Brain Tango A courtroom culture Courtroom or collaboration? 6. Opting Out of the Flat-Brain Syndrome Victors or friends? The need to win Handling a thud Do I deserve a shot? Changing communication habits The Double-Reverse-Twist Reflecting head, stomach, and heart talk Let’s dance to a new song PART TWO: The Talker-Listener Process 7. Going Beyond the Tango Taking Turns Seems Simple One fish story at a time Good listeners improve our stories Teeth marks in the tongue End arguing as we know it 8. The Talker-Listener Card The TLC as intervention We all forget Getting ready to use the TLC Observing pays dividends Telephone practice A coffee house experiment Try the TLC with a safe friend Can you use the TLC with yourself? Some people can’t listen 9. TLC – Who Talks First? Talker – I’m most bothered If neither of you can listen... what then? Listener – I’m calm enough to hear Thud means listen Don’t let a question mask what someone needs to say Does the TLC help when only one person uses it? 10. TLC – Who Owns the Problem? Talker – I own the problem Bouncing pronouns The issue is deeper than pronouns There are exceptions The four-alarm issue in problem ownership Listener – I don’t own the problem 11. TLC – What Does the Talker Do? First Talker Goal – To share my feelings Stomach talk Watch out for the dreaded I feel that... Sharing feelings is risky, but worth it Second Talker Goal – To share my thoughts Head talk Compliments Sharing thinking is risky too Third Talker Goal – My Ownership Openness Heart talk The EHJs of balanced communication 12. TLC – Talk Without Talker – Without accusing, attacking, labeling, or judging Using the finger method The finger method with heat 13. TLC – What Does the Listener Do? Two heads better than one? First Listener Goal – To provide safety Serious safety in a world of alligators Second Listener Goal – To understand Non-judgmental listening Listening: dangerous to our opinions Third Listener Goal – To clarify Will listening change anyone? Sometimes listening doesn’t work Listening into people’s lives 14. TLC – Listen Without Listen – Without agreeing Useful agreement Agreement, a substitute for friendship? Listen – Without disagreeing Listen – Without advising Do quick answers pay off? When asked a question, ask a question When you do give advice Listen – Without defending Defending equals attacking 15. When to Turn the Card In simple conversations: A loop If the conversation is complex: Longer With people who talk all the time PART THREE: The Listening Techniques 16. A Few Communicating Traps 1. Ritual listening 2. Perry Masons 3. Why? 4. Not? 5. I understand 6. Yes, but... When Yes, but... helps What if a talker or listener uses a trap on us? 17. When Trying New Skills 18. Basic Listening Techniques Note the odd punctuation mark (...?) Acknowledge Repeat Accurately When at a listening loss Use Para-Feeling Whose feelings are they? Use Para-Thinking To clarify thinking is a process Alternate Feelings and Thoughts Use Both Hands Number Feelings Special case: Guys and their feelings Low-level feelings Play Detective Life-planning Use questioning carefully Guess Interrupt Own Your Own Feelings How’s school? Fine. Decode No one knows what anyone really said? Meet Intensity Admit Ignorance Hem and Haw Hemming and hawing after school Match Pace Allow Space Ring the Pebble Lead the Witness Parental responsibility Explore the Future 19. Special Circumstances Listening Techniques Old Folks and Boring Stories Problems or Predicaments? Fear Barriers Tears After a Death The six-and-a-half-week rule If people don’t really want to talk about it Religious issues at death Rigidity Expectations and Anger Persistent Anger and Bullfighters Asking for Help 20. What About the Heaviest Listening Situations? Suicide Hints First a disclaimer PART FOUR: Using the TLC in Groups 21. The Listening Game (At Mealtimes) The rules of engagement One family’s example The TLC with game rules can help a family crisis 22. Guiding Difficult Group Discussions 23. Moderating Two-Party Conversations 24. Making Decisions Together 1. Sharing 2. Negotiating 3. Closing PART FIVE: Concluding Philosophy 25. Beyond Skill What does it take? Empathy Genuineness Warmth Therapeutic or thera-noxious? Appendix The Flat-Brain Slump Acknowledgements About Jim Petersen You Can Help Talker-Listener Cards and order information PART ONE: Options in Communicating 1Communication Became Important to MeONE NIGHT YEARS AGO, I pulled a rain slicker over a thick wool sweater to protect me from a skin-soaking coastal storm. I pushed the back door open, leaned into the wind, and sloshed to my car to answer a call for help. A couple in my parish was near coming to blows. My windshield wipers struggled against the Oregon downpour as I drove toward their home. This couple had been fighting like that dark and stormy night for years. Way before cell phones, this battle began over whether he should have stopped and called her when he realized he would get home late from a business trip. He didn’t call and she jumped all over him – again. Sitting on their couch I watched the rain water drip off me onto their carpet. I felt helpless. My seminary training in Greek, Hebrew, theology, Bible and church history hadn’t prepared me for this job. As a young pastor I was painfully aware I didn’t have the right tools to help when my parishioners couldn’t get along with each other. I didn’t know how to help them build loving relationships. I didn’t have a clue what to do for this couple, so I just listened. After each told their side of the story, they looked at me as though I could solve their problem with a few magical words. I stared down at the carpet and noticed the dripping had stopped. Then I did the only thing that made sense, I translated back to them what I had heard. To him I said, Your wife is saying, when you didn’t call, it made her feel unimportant to you. The later it got the more worried she became. Finally, she panicked, imagining you hurt, lying injured in a muddy road-side ditch. Sounds to me as if she cares about you. And to her, He understands how afraid you get. He was trying to get home to you as quickly as he could so he didn’t take the time to stop and call. When you get on his case for not calling he feels trapped, like you don’t trust him and are trying to control him. Sounds to me as if he cares about you. Somehow, it worked. In my struggle to apply love that evening, I discovered that while I could hear undertones of what they were saying, they couldn’t hear each other accurately at all. They failed to hear the hurt and caring under their spouse’s anger. They seemed blocked by insecurity, anger, habit, and even more, their need to win the argument. However, they could hear what the other tried to say when they heard it translated through me, perhaps because they had no need to defend against me. In time both storms settled. As the couple recognized that they both hurt, they grew in their concern for each other. They rediscovered how much they cared for one another. Their need to win subsided. This experience gave me a clue how powerful good communication can be as a relationship tool. It is the oil that lubricates the engine of relationships. Without it the engine seizes and grinds to a halt. Nearly five decades later, couple counseling still thrills me when an angry pair begins to hear the hurt and caring under their partners’ words. Sometimes, they end up in tears when they move beneath the complaints and jabs to rediscover, to their surprise, that their partners not only care for them – they still love them. Good communication is just as important in business, family, and social life. Listening well matters for co-workers, when intimacy is not the goal, but being able to work together effectively is. It helps keep friendships vital and even makes a difference in casual relationships where you merely want ease. I learned some of this earlyI grew up the middle kid of three boys. Two girl cousins lived across the street. The five of us bounced back and forth between homes. Each of us chose where to eat depending on who was fixing liver and onions, who baked cakes, and who was in trouble with whom. Aunts and uncles, other cousins, friends and strays collected around our homes. We never ate a holiday dinner with fewer than twenty people. We jockeyed for attention, teased and sparred, argued, and protected ourselves with friendly sarcasm. Most of us talked better than we listened, though we appreciated each other and would defend the family against any outside criticism. As a somewhat shy highschooler in the middle of that mayhem, I often found myself listening as others went on and on, wrapped up in their own thinking. I learned that listening pays dividends. Occasionally, someone who seldom got along with anyone would visit. They took to me and I liked that. At first, I hoped it meant I was particularly charming and likeable. I soon figured out they liked me because I listened to them. And don’t we all like an audience? I observed that while others avoided grumpy people, all I had to do to reduce their grump-factor was to ask questions and let them tell me their stories. One of my payoffs was that these folks became interesting as I listened. I also found that after I paid enough attention to their personal and political tirades, they became receptive to me too. I could toss in my views and even argue some, as long as I didn’t go on too long or steal their stage. I learned the value of communication balancing: • Listen awhile. • Listen awhile. • Talk until the other person stops hearing. • Listen until the person calms enough to hear again. I sensed that most people were more interested in telling their stories than hearing mine. But then, to be honest, I was more interested in telling my stories than hearing theirs. I relished times when others tried to understand my stories. I came to value friendships where understanding worked both ways. I wanted to be liked. I never did like conflict or when people were angry with me. But at a deeper level I liked it even less when tense situations were ignored. Those times hung heavy in the air and soured relationships for me. I couldn’t relax and enjoy interactions when the real issues were hidden under the surface of what was being said and done. That felt way too manipulative for me. I made it my mission to deal with these unpleasant situations by surfacing under-the-table problems so they could be dealt with. I experimented with versions of the grumpy people technique, that is, ask questions, listen awhile, surface hidden issues, and wait for my time to talk. Listening deeperI soon discovered that chronically angry people harbored hurt feelings under their anger. So, when I encountered these unpleasant folks, I put my stubbornness to work. I determined to listen until I dug deep enough to understand what made them think and act the way they did. Then something strange happened. To my surprise, I began to care for these old grumps, and often, even to like them. C. S. Lewis wrote some lines that pinpointed what I experienced. Lewis said in effect: Don’t wait until you love people to act on their behalf. Act on their behalf, and you will come to love them. When I took time to understand others, it not only benefited them, it benefited me. I grew to accept a wider range |
